Thug Life: The Amish

    Sleep soundly, America. Justice has been served. The wrong has been made right. In Mayfield County, Kentucky, Judge Deborah Crooks lowered the hammer on ten of the most hardened criminals in recent history. The reason these criminals were so hardened was because they don't believe in using modern farming equipment, so they raise they crops using a combination of comically outdated technology and hard manual labor. Of course, I am talking about the Amish.
    What was the crime? Churning in a no-churn zone? Public barn-raising? No. Get serious. This is some serious shit that I'm about to reveal to you... The Nefarious Ten, as these Amish guys have come to be known (on my blog, and nowhere else.), were sentenced to prison because they refused to pay some fines which were being imposed because they didn't put orange reflective triangles on their horse-drawn buggies.
    See? I told you! This is some serious shit! These bastards violated Kentucky's state traffic laws.

Pictured: Members of MWA (Mennonites With Attitude)

    Well, we can all be happy now that the citizens of Mayfield County, Kentucky can live free from the terrifying menace of these criminals, zipping around in their non-reflective buggies. 

    These were no ordinary Amish. Yes, there is such a thing as "ordinary" Amish. At least, there is when you compare the majority of Amish with the ultra-conservative Amish sect of Swartzentruber, which broke away from the mainstream Amish community. Apparently, most Amish folks were just too damn liberal for the Swartzentrubers. Yes, I do know what you are thinking. I'm thinking it, too. Swartzentruber IS a funny word. This is not the time to be focused on such things! There are serious legal issues that need to be discussed!

    The recently incarcerated Amish men based their legal argument around the defensive strategy of telling the Judge the truth about why they refused to pay the fines. They said that the bright orange signs violated their religious commitments to living simply. 

    Now, in other states this type of shit may work. Ohio, New York, and Pennsylvania all have legal exemptions specifically for the Swartzentrubers when it comes to using reflectors on buggies. 

Not in Kentucky, you Anabaptist assholes. Take that weak shit somewhere else! Judge Crooks will lay the smack down on your wide-brimmed hat wearing asses! I looked at some statistics on the crime rates in Mayfield County, Ky. While their rates for murder, burglary, and rape are significantly higher than state and national averages, their judicial system is among the finest in the nation, because they have successfully put the most dangerous violators of all behind bars. You see, Mayfield county has had 57 (out of 89 state-wide) violations of the reflector-on-the-buggy law since 2007. 

    So, the next time you are feeling down about the state of the American legal system, remember this decision and cheer up. Sometimes, just sometimes, in this country... the system works.